Here I am again, but I felt that this is the only way I could express my thoughts and emotions.
Life has been really a roller coaster ever since I've signed on that dotted line, understanding that the job will have high expectations of oneself, through any means necessary. Never knew that I also had free tickets to a brand new emotional theme park.
I met this beautiful lady during my second day of the interview. Although we didn't make any conversation amongst ourselves, but we were part of a group who were anxiously waiting for the final round of interview. My friend 'D' and I agreed that she was beautiful. I told 'D' to get to know her, since its been a long time he has dated. He refused, saying that he is not rushing to date any.
We met again in another separate occasion and this time, she really caught my eye. No words could explain that moment but I thought I was just an infatuation. Even though I was talking and making jokes to other ladies in the room, somehow I kept wishing she would join in the fun. Somehow I kept pushing this feeling to 'D' and again he refused yet again.
Being the cheeky me, I decided to look her up in Facebook (like every other girls when I know their name) and voila, I found her. Being a good friend of 'D', I shared the info and we added her eventually. I only knew she and 'D' would chat in Facebook. I would be looking at her photos and just be amazed on how she looks beautifully.
First day of our training and there she was again with her friend, sashaying her way over to the security gates while I was in awe. 'D' and I approached her and we made our way to our class, as she was leading the way. I could still remember vividly that she was wearing a white dress, with a gigantic Foundation Term book across her arm. It was weird, honestly. Somehow in some way this beautiful lady has gotten my attention, and not many girls do. I knew 'D' had her number so I asked, and almost immediately asking her to join us for dinner with another mutual friend. I could still remember that evergreen smile on her face when her batch came to greet us and when she greeted me personally "Hello Syafiq" on her turn, my heart just melted right through my stomach.
She rejected but I was determined to get to know her. She knew me by the scandal boy back then because of 'D'. String of smses came along after that. Day by Day. Night by Night. It was really enjoyable to get to know her and the infatuation turned out to be strong feelings after awhile. I would tell 'D' that she and I had been smsing each other for awhile and he even jokingly said "If you guys get together already I will be damn shock la" on the 2nd week of our training. I thought I could brush this feeling away, but when I saw 'D' smsing and talking to her at work, I would get jealous. At that point of time, I knew that the feelings were true. I would get so excited going back home and would log in MSN almost instantly to chat with her. There would be smiles and laughter in every conversation and it has been a long time that I had this feeling.
For 'D' would get really emotional at times and I just couldn't figure out why. I probed him with questions but being the stubborn him, he just refused to let me know. After much investigation and pondering, it dawned upon me that he had feelings for her as well.
Few weeks passed, and I knew I wasn't being myself. I was torn between two important things in my life. Love or Friendship? People would say Love is a very strong word, but I knew this is how I felt towards her.
To keep it simple with no bombastic words, the feeling sucked. hard.
D and I wouldn't even talk, so much so it built a tension so strong that one day he just blurted out on me right infront of the class and walked off. Even our "make-out" conversation after that didn't turned out right. I had this feeling that he hates me as he felt he had the initial eye contact, but I never knew how he felt towards her. If I knew, I wouldn't have even initiated the courtship.
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This isn't the first time that my friends and I will have feelings for a girl at the same time. Usually I would give in, suffering in the shadows. But this time, this lady is different and I can't really find words to explain myself. I have initially tried to give in again, but night will always be filled with tears. This lady has made me realised that the feelings I had grew even stronger, that it might turned out to be love. And whenever I fall in love, a few things will happen and namely for this case, it is the triangle.
Sometimes I asked myself. Do I deserve all this? Do I even deserve love in the first place? Why must it be between a friend, which I have known very well for two years? Both of us would agree that we do not know each other now. The things that love can do.
And that is the exact reason why I fear love. because shit will happen. This emotional roller coaster has been really a great ride which made me realised that one day, I will and must overcome this fear. I have made my commitment that I will stand by her side if she needs me. Whoever that she ends up with, I would want her to feel what is love, for it is the greatest feeling.
For the past few days, I know I have been childish. All along I have been lonely and I hated the feeling. All I am asking is for someone that I could share my sorrows and joy with, that I look forward to meet, that I can be honest without any fear, that I can grow and mature with, and most important that I can be myself.
As much as I want her to text/call me everyday, as much as I want her to be my side all the time, as much as I want her to feel the same way as I do, as much as I want to kiss her, as much as I want to hug her, I know I can't. Because ultimately it is her decision. All I can say is that I am thinking of her all the time.
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There are things that I have done in consideration for feelings of others but I realised I haven't considered my own.
I would try to sms her discreetly, because 'D' would always turn towards my direction.
I would tell her to always reply 'D' because she means everything to 'D' and even the simplest of replies would make him be himself around others.
I would tell her to not sms me and enjoy the night with 'D'.
I would tell 'D' that there is always a chance.
I would try to cover up my tracks so that 'D' would not know that I am going out with her.
I would try to divert the conversation with 'D' whenever he asked if I am going out with her.
I would do anything just to make the both of them happy. I would try not to sms/call her, so that I would not pressurize her.
and many others. but never once I felt that I need to step up my game to impress her. I would want her to accept me for who I am.
But look at me now, all miserable. I think I have too good a heart. or maybe a bad one to start with, and karma has taken over. And some considerations have led to bad consequences. I think 'D' hates me now for lying to him the other night in Butter Factory.
Whatever happened to the happy-go-lucky Syafiq that I know?
Whatever happened to the Syafiq that everybody looked up to for inspiration and motivation?
Whatever happened to the Syafiq that would seem that he has the world in his hands?
She keeps talking to me about equity, but I feel that there is no need for equity. I feel that she's tired trying to handle the both of us but at the same time enjoys the company as well.
Sometimes, I am worried for her. I nag at her for a purpose, but maybe I shouldn't. Who am I to nag?
And sometimes I know that I made a big mistake when I threw my frustrations at her.
Sometimes I feel that she's hiding something from me, to keep me happy. All I ask for is honesty. The more I know, the more I feel that she could trust me.
All in all, I just want to know how she feels..
sigh. enough ranting for 3hours to the bloody blog. but i feel better definitely.
till then.
yours truly.
